I'm Learning Again
by Picture It Now
Summary: Grissom and Sara. Grissom's POV. Forever a student of love.


_Untouched by a beta. This was just something that was picking at me. I do not own these characters or CSI._

**xxxXxxx**

Love. What is the secret to loving someone? How would you really describe love? I know that it took me years to even give it, and even longer to understand it.

At least I think I understand it.

I understand that it hurts and that it will keep hurting. That was quite a lesson - one that I was taught by a couple of women. I don't know, that may not have been love, but it sure felt like it. One ended in betrayal and one ended in death – both of them taking me down to the bottom of the barrel. The good thing about having your life and future yanked out from underneath you, is that you have no where to go but up. Or, so I thought.

The first time, I was the one that left. She came to me, honest about her indiscretion and eager in her need for forgiveness. Graduation was only three weeks away, and as I was packing my bag, my mind was already years ahead of me, planning my life without her. Graduate school awaited me and it was easy to convince myself that she was the school fling that everyone talked about having. Sure, the ring was pricey, but I excused that as a lesson in foolishness.

Phone calls were ignored and messages were left. I was actually proud of myself then – not backing down and going back to the woman I wanted to marry.

For years her apologies echoed within me and I tamped them down. Four years later I received her wedding invitation, ten days later she received the decline.

Several years stretched between my first love and my second. My schooling was behind me, and I felt as though I finally had the time to give to a relationship. She was my neighbor – lived right across the street. The postman kept delivering her mail to me by accident. It irritated me greatly, but that was before I realized not only did the postman deliver her mail to me, he delivered her to me as well. A gift that was sent just for me. We took it slow at first, but it quickly became something we were both very dependent on.

I didn't always hate bananas. Actually, I loved them – especially in her banana pudding. She always claimed it was just the recipe on the box, but I knew she did a little something extra. One night I joked that she didn't make me pudding anymore because she already had me – the days of wooing were over. We had the pudding, the wafers - everything but the bananas. She was only supposed to be gone ten minutes.

Ten became twenty.

Forty-five.

Forever.

We buried her later that week.

I hated her for leaving me. Then I hated her for who I became after she died. Again, my future was taken hostage. I wondered many times if that was my lot in life – to lose love.

Work became my shield, bugs were my family, and women became a sporadic luxury. I dated – just enough to fill a void, but never my soul.

I... couldn't do it. I couldn't risk it.

And then there was Sara. Yes, she was young and ... oh, so beautiful.

Beautiful.

I couldn't stop looking at her – talking to her. She was captivating, and intoxicating, and... it really pissed me off. But she was young and that was my out. Though, when we exchanged contact information, in the back of my mind, I knew I would be the first to call.

And I was. It just wasn't enough.

She came to me the day after our last long distance call, and it thrilled me ... scared me. If I had known that all it took was me asking her to come, I would have done way before I did. Of course, it was in the name of work, not the personal longing I had to feel her close.

I was foolish. Very much so. Foolish in a way that I don't even feel comfortable in discussing. I hurt her, she hurt me, and I hurt her again. Let's just say my folly cost me six years of love. Of life.

In the end, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Well, admitting my loneliness to myself wasn't hard. Telling her was another story. Maybe because it was so much more than filling a hole – I had to fix the mess I had a large hand in creating.

It was a humbling experience – her telling me that she stopped waiting for my love. I had to work a little harder than I intended, and I ended up making the promises that I _knew_ I wanted to make but were still afraid of. I didn't want the promise of a beautiful future taken away again.

And then it hit me.

That _I _had taken _her_ future away. I held it hostage for years – at least until she stopped waiting. Suddenly, the promises didn't seem so scary, and so I made more.

Something amazing happened then. She opened doors for herself, for me – for us. She did something that I couldn't do. She forgave me.

She FORGAVE me.

I love her. Completely and wholly.

I often think of this quote in relation to that moment, 'To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness'.

Love will keep hurting, but then you forgive.

I fully intend to spend the rest of my life living up to the love she gives me.

**The End. **


End file.
